Chapter 1: Understanding the Core of Our Being

Emerging from the depths of a panic disorder, I realized my mind no longer functioned as it once did — my identity had shifted dramatically.

Before experiencing panic, I was unaware of a central essence within me. It was akin to how I couldn't physically sense my kidneys or spleen, even though I knew they existed. However, after the ordeal, I was acutely aware of this core — my true self, a solid entity at my center, resembling a smooth, round, grey river stone. Yet, through this stone, I could see a deep fissure — a jagged crack that loomed ominously.

Despite previously being oblivious to this inner core, its fracture became the only sensation I felt. Each movement reminded me of the jagged edges grinding against one another. The wholeness I once felt was lost, replaced by a sensation akin to a cracked teacup, producing a dissonant sound with each gentle touch against its saucer.

This might sound trivial, but it was monumental. My exterior appeared flawless — unblemished — but that was a façade. It was a deception that extended even to my perfectly manicured nails. It reminded me of the reflection I saw during a migraine attack. My throbbing eye, which should have shown visible signs of distress, looked normal apart from a hint of fatigue. The disparity between my pain and the image I projected was stark. Unlike the transient nature of a migraine, this sense of brokenness felt infinitely worse and, most troubling, it didn’t fade away.

I was consumed by fear. What if this feeling of disrepair was permanent? The thought of being irreparably damaged was daunting, and I doubted my ability to endure it. The discomfort was a constant, unyielding presence, akin to a toothache. It became my sole focus, leading me to ponder the author of "Humpty Dumpty," and whether they too experienced panic; their tale resonated deeply with my feelings.

Can a Broken Person Be Mended?

In my next appointment with my psychiatrist, Dr. FOBB (the remarkable Fixer Of Broken Brains), I conveyed that I felt irreparably shattered, forgetting that she always understood.

“It’s as though there’s a core of me that I was previously unaware of, and now that it’s fractured, it’s all I can feel,” I explained.

I envisioned that broken part of myself — the round, cracked stone. The image was vivid, and I fought back tears with all my might.

Fear gripped me as I queried, “Will I ever feel whole again? Will I be unbroken?” I averted my gaze, unwilling to witness her reaction or let her see the weight of my question.

“Yes, you will,” she replied with unwavering assurance.

A wave of relief washed over me, and I almost believed her — almost.

Her demeanor turned serious as she spoke deliberately. “What we’re doing now, with the medication,” she explained, “is akin to placing a rubber band around the fracture. Over time, we will apply a cement-like solution to reinforce the broken area, ultimately making it even stronger than before.”

I visualized this: a rubber band holding my fractured self together, followed by concrete — smooth and robust — sealing my brokenness permanently. That was my goal; I desired to restore the fracture with resilience, smoothing it over until it became a distant memory. I was determined to achieve this, and I committed myself to the process.

Years later, I can honestly affirm that I have regained my wholeness. Healing is indeed attainable.

I am not the same as I once was; I have transformed. I embody a different type of wholeness, adorned with a beautiful scar. My journey through panic has become an integral part of my identity, woven like a single strand of yarn into the fabric of my life, enhancing my strength and wisdom immeasurably.

Explore how confronting our internal struggles can lead to profound growth. Michael Todd discusses healing from emotional damage in this insightful session.

Chapter 2: Embracing the Path to Recovery

The experience of a panic attack can be daunting and isolating. Understanding this feeling is crucial for recovery, as it helps demystify the experience and connects us with others who have faced similar challenges.

Join Cal Newport and Rich Roll as they discuss the pitfalls of modern work culture and share strategies for reclaiming productivity and well-being.

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