Chapter 1: The Power of Meaningful Goals

Pursuing a goal that resonates deeply, even when it seems unattainable, can provide a unique sense of empowerment. When you commit to your core values and remain steadfast, external obstacles lose their power over you.

It has been a few weeks since I learned about my biological father's passing, which occurred over a year and a half ago. This experience has prompted me to write about my feelings; you can find the first and second parts of my story. This is the only sense of closure I will achieve regarding his death. He was imprisoned as a college student for a crime he did not commit, a fate that befell many young Black men during that era. Tragically, he never received the help or justice he deserved and succumbed to the grips of crack cocaine, a consequence of his trauma and poverty, at the age of 57.

As we observe Black History Month in the US this 2023, I find myself abroad, striving to make the best of each day while battling symptoms of Complex PTSD and caring for my partner, who faces even greater challenges than I do.

On social media, there's a resonant call for social justice, yet I find that much of it doesn't uplift my spirits in this life. My partner is engulfed in flashbacks, and despite taking Modafinil, I'm struggling to maintain our daily functioning. I fear that, at this rate, we might become just another statistic, a worry that has plagued me for several months.

Reflecting on my decision from late 2013, when I made the choice to leave, I recall how dire my mental health was back then. My mind was a constant barrage of vivid, distressing imagery, and I felt my days were numbered. Even through the fog of psychosis, I understood this reality.

Had I remained in the US, I likely wouldn't have survived to see my 30s. Amidst the chaos, a quiet voice emerged, presenting me with two paths.

The first was to stay and succumb to a lonely, painful death that would go unacknowledged, merely fodder for gossip and exploitation. This was confirmed by several individuals in my life at that time.

Years later, after relocating overseas to be with my partner, I learned of a cousin's untimely death. She, too, faced trauma and addiction, ultimately succumbing to a hit-and-run accident on the dark highway near our childhood trailer park. That memory resurfaced, echoing the notion that she had died the death I feared — at around 30, she left behind two children.

The alternative path involved leaving everything familiar behind to pursue a life alongside my partner, aligning myself with my core values and hoping for a viable future together. There was no guarantee, merely a chance, and time was of the essence.

If I failed to reach my partner and escape homelessness, we both risked fading into obscurity, a thought that haunted me. I envisioned my partner frail and neglected in her abusive home, while I pictured myself broken under a highway overpass, devoid of escape.

After presenting these stark images, the voice posed a silent question that my mind interpreted: “Even if you lose everything — your talents, your hope, your very essence — is this goal worth pursuing?”

I imagined myself in that bleak scenario, battered and alone, frozen in fear and uncertainty. Yet, in that moment, a part of me smiled through the pain and declared, “Yes, it absolutely is. I have no regrets. I fought with everything I had, and I’m proud of that.”

I wept for that part of myself, but her resilience continues to inspire me.

Life has proven challenging here, particularly in advocating for my partner amid the toll her mother takes on her. Chronic fatigue is my greatest barrier to achieving financial independence and escaping this toxic environment. Despite the weight of grief and suffering, I fight with all my strength, yet the whisper returns, asking, “Is it worth it?”

During the pandemic and through numerous hardships, I have wrestled with doubts and fears. Our disabilities and the costs associated with healing from CPTSD force us to rely on my partner's mother for financial support, despite our efforts to launch projects. She, being relatively affluent, does not face financial struggles, yet her behavior is petty and controlling. I never wanted to depend on my partner's abuser.

We strive daily to break free from this cycle, enduring suffering while seeking to earn more. Online work remains our only avenue, though our limited functioning poses significant obstacles. Progress has been made, yet the threat still looms. My partner’s mother continues to threaten her over the phone, exacerbating our struggles to maintain stability and earn an income. This psychological abuse is slowly eroding my partner’s already fragile state, and I feel my own freeze response activated, intensifying my fatigue.

I fear that despite our best efforts, we may not survive. Still, the voice persists: “Is it worth it?”

Though I have wavered, particularly after my father’s passing, a deep-seated part of me still responds, “Yes, regardless of the outcome, I’ve done my utmost.”

I consumed countless Modafinil pills to reach 100 followers, striving to enter the partner program, which feels like one of our last chances to escape our circumstances. As my supply dwindles, the weight of fatigue grows, and my partner's stability falters as bitterness and resentment take hold.

I find myself losing precious moments with my closest friend, the only family I have left here, and deep shame accompanies this realization. Yet, there is also a profound strength in confronting the abyss and acknowledging that, even if I’m cast into it, it was all worth it.

Life offers no guarantees, nor did I expect it to. I remain uncertain of what today holds. Even with Modafinil, fatigue drags me down, and seeking mental health specialists is both costly and often ineffective for our issues.

Together, my partner and I aspire to contribute to the healing of trauma and multigenerational pathology. Despite the challenges we face, we have made strides with our courses. Our porn addiction recovery program has already helped some, and we hope our 3D animation course will do the same.

Even if our journey ends prematurely, what we’ve created together, and the words I write, will hopefully serve as a beacon for others. In this small way, we have already achieved victory. We may not have children, but we are determined to break the cycle with us, leaving behind resources for others to utilize.

Tears stream down my face as we strive for life and growth, seeking financial autonomy and the ability to assist others through our work and art. Even in the face of potential tragedy, we will persist.

Knowing there are others like Anna Runkle, the Crappy Childhood Fairy, who carry on this vital work gives me comfort. New voices join this mission daily — this is our shared goal.

Despite the heavy burden of our symptoms, my partner is in the next room, watching 3D animation tutorials for her first short film and our upcoming TikTok projects, while I write this in search of strength to continue.

While I can no longer assist my biological father, as I couldn’t heal quickly enough, I can still support others and my partner while I have breath in my body and clarity in my mind.

I could not help my other relatives, who perpetuated the cycle of pathology into a new generation. This is the fifth iteration I’m aware of. While I couldn’t stop that cycle, I can help break it with my partner and for others as well.

I cannot predict how much time we have left or how many grains remain in the hourglass, but we refuse to surrender because this goal is worth pursuing.

The rare strength derived from chasing this kind of ambition encapsulates what Black History Month signifies for me. Every violation of human rights has been countered by individuals who embraced this vision with kindness and compassion, sparing others from similar losses.

Pathology speaks a universal language, transcending skin color and culture.

Life can shatter dreams and strip away what you believed you could never lose, leaving you in solitude and suffering, or even ushering you into an early grave, surrounded by indifference.

It can erase your legacy, leaving no trace of your existence within a few short centuries.

However, when you walk unwaveringly towards your core values, nothing can hinder the ripples you create, leading to transformative change in civilization.

Right now, you may not know their names or how they lived, but those who came before us laid the groundwork for our current quality of life. They provided us with the technology and knowledge to read these words and the means to heal from afflictions.

Though I live with the understanding that I may be forgotten — my life span compromised due to CPTSD and autism — that reality holds little significance in the grand scheme of things. This body is merely a vessel, navigating through trauma yet striving through collective will.

I wish to contribute more to this momentum, yet I acknowledge the possibility of falling short. I humbly seek what is necessary to continue this work, and regardless of the outcome, I remain thankful. This writing aims to outlast me, and I would be grateful for every read that enriches the lives of others.

I extend my heartfelt gratitude to everyone who has engaged with my stories, to those who have supported me in entering the Medium partner program, and to all who continue to offer kind words. Your encouragement illuminates the fog I often find myself in, guiding me toward continuing this work alongside my partner.

You help me break free from flashbacks, navigate through psychosis, and reclaim my strength. As long as you keep reading, as long as our efforts continue to resonate with others, we will not give up.

Though exhaustion and emptiness haunt us daily due to our symptoms, assisting others revitalizes our spirits.

Whatever the future holds, we have given our all. My partner is nearby, grappling with her struggles, while I endeavor to find the strength to support her.

Thank you for your time and for reading this. May this narrative and our ongoing projects inspire others to forge a brighter future.

Chapter 2: Finding Hope Amidst Struggles

In this video, "How To Stop Failing Your Goal And Achieve Success (Actionable Tips) | Lifehack," learn practical strategies to overcome setbacks and achieve your goals, no matter how daunting they may seem.

In "Most Leaders Don't Even Know the Game They're In | Simon Sinek," Simon Sinek discusses the importance of understanding the landscape in which you operate to navigate challenges effectively and lead with purpose.